It is impossible to be in prison and not feel sorry for yourself. We have far too much time to overthink and draw incorrect conclusions. Why me you tell yourself, there are far worse folk running around free outside doing much worse things than I could ever dream up.
Hard cheese. Life is unfair. The world is not the way we wish it were. The sooner we accept the reality of our situation the better, which is no easy task.
Feeling sorry for ourselves is very human. The term self-pity is less kind but more accurate. The problem is that it does not help us. In fact, it can unleash some very strong emotions which are not just unhelpful but can be extremely destructive. It is far more than just retreating into a dark corner and crying. Big boys do cry and it’s quite alright to do so depending on who’s around. The gig here is that we need to deal effectively with these feelings as soon as possible, because they can escalate rapidly into reckless behavior and chronic depression. Brooding on matters can only make everything worse.
As I find myself precisely in one of those moments right now, I decided to put pencil to paper immediately. I know this will help me because it’s a common occurrence, and hopefully it will help you too.
The kind of feelings I am dealing with may be familiar and are as follows:
- Frustration and anger against the whole world, directed also at certain individuals who I rightly or wrongly blame for my plight. Heaven help the next person who accidentally bumps into me.
- Resentment and a desire for retaliation and revenge, related to the above.
- Sometimes feeling negative towards my parents for their behavior towards me as a child back in ye grand olde days. Also, blaming my spouse and other loved ones for not showing enough concern, even though they have no way of showing it because of the distance and lack of communication opportunities.
- A desire to make others feel bad by wanting to punish myself. This is like drinking poison and hoping someone else will croak.
The first thing we need to do is get a handle on these negative feelings. The best way to do this is through a breathing technique known in the trade as diaphragm or ‘belly’ breathing.
To do this, lie on your back. Try and make yourself as relaxed as possible. Close your eyes. Notice the parts of your body where you are feeling the most tension. Then apply as much additional tension as you can, before releasing it all with a strong outbreath.
Next, breathe in very slowly through your nose. As you do so, inflate your stomach. It feels very unnatural at first, but with increased practice it can become your default breathing pattern. So, breathe in slowly for a count of 5, inflating your stomach as far as it will go. Now, hold your breath for a count of 3. Finally, breathe out through your nose or mouth slowly for a count of 8, deflating your stomach as you do (there are slight variations to the count. This is the one that works best for me. Just make sure that the outbreath is longer than the inbreath).
This can be done as many times as you wish, particularly when tension arises. When better times come along, you can make it part of your daily routine with 25 minutes or more every day. By becoming mindful i.e. concentrating and listening to your breathing, you are in fact meditating.
When meditating, your mind will wander because it’s what minds do. Par for the course. When you realize you’re doing it, ever so gently bring your attention back to your breathing and the feeling of your stomach moving up and down. It is impossible to fail at meditation because it is not a test.
When you become better at meditating which will take a few weeks for sure, you can start doing a common and effective visualization technique known as ‘loving kindness.’ Instead of listening specifically to your breath and the counting, picture all the people who have ever caused you grief floating out of your body in miniature form, with a large heart attached to their chests. Watch as they disappear slowly and gently up to the sky and are lost beyond the clouds, out of your life forever. Of course, your demons will not disappear as easily as that but they’re on the right track, even if moving in the opposite direction to where we want them to go. If you do not feel a prat for saying it, you can add a simple ‘I forgive you’ to each person you visualize.
We also need to do a similar meditation where we forgive ourselves. We can do this by conjuring up the image of the person we love most, feel the love, hold on to it and apply it to ourself. We are not perfect either. Like everyone else, we are products of our environment and DNA with the addition of some diabolical bad luck.
The principal aim of this meditation is to forgive everybody, including yourself, unconditionally. ‘How can I possibly forgive him/her for what they did to me’, you may ask. Well, it helps you come to terms with the past. By the power of forgiveness, we free ourselves from the grip certain individuals and past events have over us, and from the self-destructive feelings of bitterness and vengeance. It makes it far easier for us to move forward positively and cast aside that burden of continual suffering. As if we don’t have enough of it already right here right now in the calaboose.
A second useful tool is exercise. It does not need to be of Olympic qualifying standard. If you can, go outside for a slow walk and try using the same breathing technique as when meditating. Feel the wind blowing and notice anything else inherent in nature. Ignore the taunts from other crims telling you you’ll never get into the army.
Since walking activities are often out of bounds or not even possible at all for some of us, what we can do is stand up and walk on the spot. Briskly or slowly, whatever feels right. If you have the energy, you can add arm movements or even squats, clasping your arms over your chest or extending when you go down.
A third useful technique is writing. Start by writing down a list of all the things that are currently grinding your gears. Here are some examples:
- My wife informed me about financial problems I have no way of dealing with in my current situation. Why didn’t she just keep quiet about them.
- A fellow inmate annoys me so much I want to batter him.
- I should not be in prison. Even if I was guilty, I should have been let out ages ago.
- I can’t stand this situation any longer. I want to harm myself.
- My father was unnecessarily brutal towards me and is the source of many of my problems. I wish I’d shown him less respect and hit back.
Here is what you could write as a set of balancing statements:
- My wife cares about me more than anyone else in the world. The financial problems are not that serious anyway. She was just reporting, not berating. I would rather owe a few squid than be stuck in the clink.
- The inmate is autistic. I am not the only person who he annoys. As is so often the case here, they say his family got him thrown in prison because they couldn’t handle him.
- I can do nothing independently about being in prison. My new lawyer is excellent and working hard on my behalf. I can leave things up to him with confidence and optimism.
- I do not have to listen to that nagging little barsteward’s voice in my head. It does not represent reality. It is wrong anyway.
- My father was a good man and did the best he could. He had a lot of problems of his own. He treated me the same way his father treated him. He knew no better. Hitting back could have given me a huge guilt complex for the rest of my life.
If you have a person you can talk to about your difficulties, then why not talk to them. There is a very high probability they are experiencing exactly the same things, especially if they are also a foreigner. It is inconceivable that these feelings are exclusive to yourself.
I have two stray cats I communicate with more frequently than with any humans. They eat better than I do. When I am distressed I ask them for help but the only reply I ever get is “Me? ‘Ow??”
If you genuinely have no loved one or friends or pets in your life, don’t forget that there is someone who cares. These are the wonderful people who work tirelessly for Prisoners Abroad with help from other supporters. They understand the problems we face and will always do their very best to help, without judgement. As Brits, we are extremely fortunate to have access to this support because most other foreign nationalities don’t get a bean.
When I finally get out of this rat-infested hell, I intend to repay their life-saving kindness in as many ways as I can.
Herbert Mitchell
Philippines
